Pluto/Moon Transits: Russell Hoban's 'The Moment Under the Moment'

I feel like this picture could be a self-portrait. A person could be looking out the window, thinking 'What a crappy view, I'm looking at a wall.' But there is something besides the wall. A small detail. A dream. A vision. Imagination.

Perhaps I am more stern than I may appear, perhaps too soft, perhaps too stupid. The fact is we are all complex beings. So much more than our tics and fits of temper. I'm trying to shift away from *explaining* myself and focus instead on story-telling.
The key to good writing, in my opinion, is less preaching (which I have been accused of! I must have been a fire and brimstone type of preacher in a former life) and more roundabout, creative thought flow.

When I travelled with my Dad to India in 2005 I began the book I'm trying in earnest to get off of the ground. I was able to do a lot of reading a writing, and my Dad told me stories...oh the stories which I tried to copy down (without telling him, I was too shy to tell him that)!

I told him I wanted to write a book. "Oh write a book!" he said. It is only now, in 2008, three years later that I told him I wanted to write a book about HIM. Oh, grand! When we travelled together I read Milan Kundera's very wonderful book 'Testaments Betrayed.' Kundera was not only a classical trained musician who writes books in such a way that can be broken down into a musical composition (explained further in his book 'Art of the Novel') but also used to write horoscopes before he was forced out of Czechoslovakia (now the Czech Republic).

I since have lost that copy (I can't remember who I lent it to, and they never returned it).

Last week I was visiting my family and went into a book store to ask for it. I knew I'd be travelling and I write very well on the road--better than at home in fact.
The bookseller said 'Oh yes, I just processed that one!' He walked me over to a giant stack of books and from the middle pulled one out. It was the wrong book. However I have learned through the years to flow with oddities and 'mistakes' and so of course I insisted on buying what he showed me!

The book is called 'The Moment Under the Moment' by a man called Russell Hoban. In the forward was this:

Reality is ungraspable...The real reality, the flickering of seen and unseen actualities, the moment under the moment, can't be put into words; the most that a writer can do--and this is only rarely achieved--is to write in such a way that the reader finds himself in a place where the unwordable happens off the page. Most of the time it doesn't happen but trying for it is part of the hunting-and-finding animal one is. This process is what I care about and what I write about is as much process as product.

See? I found the right book. Ha.

I'm going away for a month and will be offline for the entire time. I love the internet but I get sensory overloaded and so when I go away, I go away completely. Take care!

Random Friends With Pluto

I'm writing a book. It's part of a saga (what isn't). I feel so strongly attached to my family. I don't see them a lot; we don't tell each other deep, dark secrets. But we are intensely, karmically connected. I won't tell you what I feel 'What is Karma' because frankly, it is no one's business to know my interpretation of karma. If I choose to discuss it or if I don't...I feel like it is a small detail in a conversation. Not worth discussing.
In the same way that I don't feel that my salvation is your business.
In the same way that I don't feel that whether I believe in God is your business.

You will not save me. Though I appreciate your efforts.

Here is a picture of me (Top Left) with 2 of my sisters and my niece. I have Pluto square Moon; my sister on the top right has Pluto Trine Moon, and my niece has Pluto conjunct Moon. My sister on the bottom left just has an attitude problem, ha ha ha)!

Green Green Grass of Home

This song is so beautiful, so poignant. My Mum's Burl Ives version is still, in my mind, the best ever, but that could be for sentimental reasons.
And I like how dark it is. Perfect music to cry to!

Taking A Break

I'm going home for a few days. Home meaning my parents' home, which I haven't lived in since I was 16 years old. Have I ever told you I was a runaway? And that I have my South Node in Aries, along with my Mars/Venus conjunction.

Have I ever told you my Mum is an Aries? And her Saturn is in Taurus? And that I'm a Taurus? HA HA! Joke's on us! (Me?) My Dad, on the other hand...is a Libra with a Moon/Mercury conjunction in Taurus at the exact degree of my Sun. Funnily enough, my Dad and I understand each other a little better...

Well, Mum and I are good friends now. 15 years away (4 of them overseas with barely any contact on my part) will do that to a relationship between Aries types.

Come back! All is forgiven.

Pluto in the 1st--Lighting Up Your Own Life

I'm feeling squished. I don't know how else to put it.

I went to a really good party on Saturday night. Fun and frolicking. Wrestling for fun. A trip to the 24 hour vegan restaurant at 5:30 a.m. It was good to stop thinking about all that has transpired in the last couple of weeks and just live.

I woke up feeling inexplicably sad. I'm trying to understand how to stem the waves of sadness that keep coming at me. I want so desperately for someone to tell me how happy they are...how much they love their life...how good things keep happening to them. It seems like everyone around me is living in a world of pain and there is nothing I can do to alleviate the pain of others.

The sensible option seems to me to be the light I wish to turn on for others. I could be that person. But who will look after me? Who will ensure my heart is taken care of?

Realizing Your Own Stupidity (Mars Square Mars)

All these months I've been complaining about my camera being broken, I think it was healing itself. I started taking pictures again and guess what? They turn out, somewhat. I have to angle it in such a way, because the left side of the screen is a bit wonky. Sort of like the left side of my body. The night I wrote about B's brother was the night we had the fight...rather I had my freak out and almost killed myself through sheer stupidity.

A few days after that I was having a bath, I was doing a forward fold (a yoga posture) in the water and realized something quite cool: I could focus on the surface of the water and look at the reflection of the bathroom's candles, and plant shadows dancing around me...or I could focus my eyes on the bottom of the tub. I could see the scratches on the enamel.

This was a really disturbing discovery, but inspiring all the same because of what it made me think of. I thought of my fear of deep water (I'm scared to swim in lakes with my eyes open because of this). It made me think of perception, and spirituality. How do you really get below the surface? REALLY?
And so I told B all this as I was bent over the water, staring at the bottom of the tub.

'Oh yeah, I totally get that,' he said. 'That's what I do all the time, walking down the street even. Especially Monday night.'

'Monday night,' I responded. My freak out night. A little light bulb went on. 'So that must have been weird for you,' I said. 'You're trying to see from all angles, and here I am...only seeing the surface of the water in the bathtub, basically.'

'Well, yeah.' He said. But he hugged me. 'Oh damn, I just couldn't relate!' And at that we both laughed. I felt quite safe to laugh at myself, too...as I should, because I really do play the fool.

The photo is of my first plaster cast ever...the idea was to create a head with two sides, representing a duality in the personality. I chose victim/aggressor. I was aiming for a non-gendered approach, and I think it looks a bit creepy (this is the victim side).

Pluto in Capricorn: Recognizing Our Teachers While We've Got 'Em

Like many people I've been feeling a lot of pressure. A lot of heat. A couple of nights ago B and I had a fight...well more specifically I was feeling a plethora of emotions I couldn't explain or communicate which made me cry so hard I threw up (goood grief)!
I decided to take a breather. I went into the yoga room and rather than turning on the light, I stumbled in like the crying fool I was (also in a rage) and fucking tripped on a bolster. A bolster is basically a large, soft roll, so it was like trying to stand on a log while it's floating on water.

I fell. First I rolled on my ankle, then I fell. I fell onto my back, on top of the largest crystal bowl, and I felt its rim digging into my kidneys. I was positive it was going to break. It smashed into the bowl next to it and it made a giant GONG and its lovely sound reverberated throughout the room.

I was shocked. I couldn't even tell you how much...I stopped crying instantly and felt this strange "HUH?" bewilderment that I hadn't broken myself or the crystal bowl. I instantly thought about how much B has invested in them, how much he has invested in me and our relationship and I felt really ashamed for being so reckless in my rage and frustration. Then I thought of my old yoga teacher, the one who I studied with in December (I blogged about her; I don't know how to post a link back to myself, but it's in the archives).

One afternoon after a particularly lovely class all of the students were leaving the studio. We were all fumbling for our shoes, and I remembered to turn the light on.

"Oh it's always easier when you light the room," she said teasingly. "Or is it more spiritual in the dark?" She laughed. This teacher loves to joke about spirituality, I guess because she is also a Zen teacher. So I thought of her as I thought of my stupidity, in the dark.

Today, B told me that he had some bad news. Our beloved teacher, a fellow Capricorn, had fell from a balcony in Thailand and broke her arm and her back. I feel really sad. She is in surgery today, and I'm thinking about her. How I just thought of her. How lucky I was to be taught by her before she left the city, as she has since sold her studio and now is in Asia, hurt.

I know that she is a very gifted teacher and in her pain will continue to teach us, even mentally, but sometimes I regret humans have to suffer so much. She would not like me saying this. In fact, I can hear her now: 'Let go. Let go of this attachment, this naive resentment. You are like a child,' she'd say.

Pluto/Moon Transits (and Capricorn Goes to Work)

B has often spoke to me about telling his story. He's keenly aware that I'm a writer (and like all writers, I'm struggling to write a book). He's had a very unusual life (and frankly, getting stranger by the minute) but what he is most interested in conveying to the world is that he has survived. He has survived pain like no one else I've ever met before and while I don't think he has the prize for 'most pain suffered,' he is highly communicative about his iron-clad belief that pain can be transcended.

B continuously surprises me with intimate information about himself. After reading Elsa's post today about Venus and expectations about love, I thought about how B's Scorpio Moon/Venus conjunction plays out in our relationship. To give an example, for years I was calling him by a pet name...years. It was very recently that he finally told me that the nickname I had given him was actually his brother's family pet name. His brother died some years ago. Considering how close these two brothers were I felt quite anxious about the possibility that it hurt the man I love every. Single. Time. I used this nickname. But.
This is Scorpio Moon/Venus in a relationship! Right?

How close were these two brothers? They found themselves glued together after their parents divorce. When B ran away, he took his brother with him and they stayed crazy together from there on in. They told each other their most intimate secrets (B's brother was, surprise, a Scorpio himself).
They shared more than one girlfriend, more than one home, more than one acid trip, and the year B's brother passed away they were working at the same job. They were both messengers and shared a large circle of friends. By all accounts, B's brother was his 'voice.' While B was quiet, his brother was raucous. They were both extreme in their own way. They had worked at the same company together before, but here they were at a Ma and Pa operation and at home, too.

B's brother got engaged to a woman who they also worked with. There was a big party that night. The next day six people from this company hired a small plane, including B's brother. It crashed. It was during this time that Pluto has transiting B's 6th House (the house of work), conjunct his natal Moon and Venus. He lost the person he was closest to in the world and what did he do?

He got up and went to work. This is what Capricorn does. While there is always pain, there is also always work to be done and B has always said there will be nothing and nobody who can alleviate this. Not only that there was close-knit company who had just lost 6 of it's employees and there was still work to be done while the round of funerals and memorials happened. He didn't wanted to be alone; he wanted to work (stellium in the 6th House) and he wanted to be around people who knew exactly what kind of pain he was in.

B had been listening to the local radio at the time of the crash and he called his Dad first. His Dad forbade him to go to the site of the crash although there was nothing more he wanted to do. He wanted to go to the epicentre of what he instinctively knew was going to change his life forever. But he obeyed his father (Sun conjunct Saturn) and stayed away.
Instead he was the person who had to tell his Mum that her son was dead. Of that he's only said that he felt like he was watching a wild animal die.

Yes this a terrible story to tell, but B wants it told. And so I'm telling it.

This is a picture of B in the yoga room, with the set of crystal singing/healing bowls he has acquired in the last few months. He's taken to them like a duck to water.

Capricorn Builds!

This is my final sculpture project. It was a really gratifying process, from the trip to the stone yard and choosing the stone, to the forging of our own tools, to the sanding and buffing. I even made the stand it's on!

There's nothing more beneficial and soul-enhancing for Capricorn than building something that stands on its own.

Fine Tuning A Learning Process

Something that's been of interest to me lately is how we learn what we learn. I've always been fascinated by psychological processes (how and why we feel/do what we do). But what about this?

I'm thinking about this as I attempt to make a transition from the Placidus System to an Equalized House System. I've relied on the generosity of professionals in the blogging community for years to aid in my learning of astrology. There are several reasons for this (I'll leave out the 'free' part as I think that's obvious).

First, I have countless books on astrology. Some are great (and some at this point in the game are still incomprehensible). I find it impossible to read a book in isolation and still 'get' it. I have friends who have taught themselves physics using old textbooks from the Salvation Army, and I just don't operate in that way. Learning in isolation actually depresses me (perhaps that is my Capricorn Moon square Pluto in my 9th House).

Second, there is only one person in my life who I'm close to who has also studied astrology. She appreciates it for what it offers, but her studies have tapered off now that she is pursuing her philosophy degree (as an aside, she is set to begin her masters degree in the future, and her area of interest is the biology of creativity. Pretty cool, isn't it?)

This friend offered me some amazing books such as Jan Spiller's Spiritual Astrology and Tracey Mark's Secrets of the Twelfth House. At that time Pluto was limping out of my 12th House and preparing to cross my Ascendant, so that was a stroke of luck, I can see now.

I can't remember whose site I came across first with my rudimentary google skills. I think it may have been Molly Claiborne over at North-node. The first thing I noticed was an abundance of people leaving their birth data and requests for information. I thought it was bad manners, especially as the demands seemed to come with lack of gratitude. I made some comments of my own, of course, and tried my best to frame any questions I had in such a way that there would be an exchange rather than a brain-drain for someone offering their expertise (thank you, Molly).

It was not very long after that that I came across Elsa's site and that discovery was life altering in more ways than one. Unlike many people, I'd never actually communicated with people online before and I found it in turns disturbing in its weirdness and exhilarating insofar that I was finding myself finally taking part in a new way of communicating that I'd only ever heard people talk about (and yes, I thought those people were a bit odd). I'd been on forums before...Ms magazine's forum in the early 00s, and lesbian chatrooms (even though I'm not a lesbian, I felt rather home-y there).

So, this was new. It didn't take long before I annoyed a person or two, and had my feelings hurt, and determined I'd never show up in one of those weirdo places again. "Who communicates online? Weirdos!"

Then a couple of things happened. I moved in to a house with the woman who lent me the astrology books. She lived on the top floor with her girlfriend, and I lived on the main floor with B. And I began my Saturn Return. I got over my fear of communicating with people I couldn't see and kept reading Elsa's blog. And so my learning began in earnest.

I kept commenting and trying to learn, and like others dropped the mutated form of my real name and chose an online name that resonated with me: kashmiri. Kashmiri is born from a love of the most popular art form from the remote region of Kashmir, between Pakistan and India, which is a type of paper boxes painted with stunning patterns and gold leaf (one day I'll get a camera and post you a few things I have in this style).

And guess what? I felt much better with this (I also read Donna Haraway's Cyborg manifesto and felt even better, ha).

Someone posted a link to Jm's Raging Universe, and I met several lovely people over there, other than Jm (hi Neith! And Tseka! And Pat! and everyone else...) Lo and behold, I met some people who also going through their Saturn Returns, in Leo no less, and this sense of fraternity really changed my life. In a very good way.
In fact, it is because of my inspiration I got from Jm that I started blogging regularly and because of Jm I decided to apply to art school. No joke. It is a beautiful thing...because being privy to commenters on their blogs, I got to meet even more people (hello DevilMood)!

And so...here I am this morning, with coffee in hand...wondering what I can dream up with my fellow bloggers. The astrology community is, comparatively, quite small but it is rich. There are artists and musicians and dreamers amongst us and like all artists, there are people who are content with their lot and there are people who produce prolific volumes of reading material and this Taurus feels they are not adequately compensated.

So. How do we best support our fellow bloggers? I realize this began as an exploration of my learning process...but the truth is it is the people who posted their knowledge for free that I was able to begin learning about astrology. I feel a little bit like a child who's growing up and is unsure of how best to please her elders.

And I mean this in a very good way. A VERY good way. I've been blessed with amazing teachers in this life, and having encountered them online as well (quite unexpectedly, I might add), well I want to do them right. This is not born out of a sense of duty, but this is born out of a sense of duty. I'm a free-wheeling gal who does whatever she likes, but I feel in my heart that having gratitude to one's teachers in this life is a given.

Gratitude for one's teachers will, in fact, bring you a plethora of teachers, and for this Sagittarian Ascendant, what could be more exciting?

Love and Pisces

I had a really great date with B last night. We agreed the mundane details of our lives were off-limits conversation wise (I really need a break from the Saturn in Virgo minutia; it's seriously disturbing me)!
We went for a walk, ate some delicious sushi, talked talked talked and came home to our cozy bed. I realized how much I love this man! He is a real treat to be around. His mannerisms and way he carries himself are hilarious to me. It must be all that Capricorn/Scorpio--throw in his Gemini Ascendant and boy is he ever a wild card. Just like I like 'em! I especially love his trips into the kitchen for snacks in the middle of the night. And then...somethings never change...

Assembling Someone Else's Fragments

This is my second sculpture project of this (second) term (not to be confused with the sculpture required for my design class). The materials change with each project, and this one's theme was assemblage using found materials.

I found everything for this project except the fabric covering the cushions and the spray paint. The garbage strike last summer was good for one thing: there was an abundance of interesting things dumped in the alleyways. These cute little Douglas Fife style chairs were behind an apartment building close to mine, and I took them in, sanded them, fixed the legs that had split and broken with wood glue, and then glued them together to make a throne-style seat.

As I had been collecting remnants from the site of a home that had been burned down for months (more on that later, I promise) I decided to 'collage' bits and pieces of domestic fragments. I ran into a few problems.

First of all, it s impossible to weld rusted metal together. The rust acts as a buffer to the heat and renders the attempt useless. So I used a lot of Super 77 spray glue, which smells 'pretty,' so you just know it is toxic as hell. I ran out of time running up to the deadline, and found myself in the studio very late at night with no turpentine to clean it off my hands. I used some other random paint remover, which was an incredibly stupid idea as the chemicals reacted and burned my hands. Not too bright, me. I think I'm all better now...learning!

I initially intended on covering all of the wood of the chairs, or a lot of it anyway except installation date snuck up on me and I was forced to make a choice. I stuck to the top half of the structure. My uber-Virgo classmate insisted on giving me her two bits about every piece I fixed to the surface, which I was alright with (I trust my aesthetic judgement). Sadly when installation day came and we had the class critique she complained that she 'knew' to much about my artistic process (from watching my every move and asking lots of questions) and thus the viewing experience was somehow not as enjoyable for her.

I am complaining about this...not just because I felt slighted (that'd be my ego talking) but because it made me realize that I WANT MY OWN STUDIO so I can work in peace without people watching me...or at least being able to filter out who watches me at work. And an interesting experience as well, because I couldn't fathom how this person couldn't see, realistically, that she has ruined her own viewing experience by insisting on analysis of the conception and creation.

Think of it this way: what if a person asked Picasso why he chose blue for his 'blue series' and then complained the experience of viewing these paintings was less enjoyable because the reason why blue was chosen was known?

It's fascinating, really, how some people are afraid to stare into the mysterious void that is the act of creation. They want to know, but can never be truly satisfied, as the answers are vague (creativity, frankly, is vague). The joy of mystery is somehow lost on some people.

Thanks for looking!

Love / Denial

Overwhelmed by my emotions. I get like this. It prevents me from getting any work done. At all. Thankfully there is blogging...a way to put something down, continue building a foundation (for what structure, I don't know). And there is visiting other people's blogs, reading their words, listening to their tales.

For the early part of the day yesterday I was elated about meeting T again. Inevitably we talked about Angie--my/our dear friend who died very suddenly from illness almost 10 years ago. It amazed me how easy it was for the grief I felt (still feel) about losing her physical presence in my life to climb up to the surface of my conscious state. I felt guilty, like I abandoned him and everyone else who I knew from that time.

I remember that I didn't call her mother for almost 3 months after her death. I don't know why I did this. I was 21, and living on another continent. Living in a dream world. I remember telling her "I thought if I didn't call I could pretend it never happened."

Her mother is a beautiful person. I miss them both. It was amazing to spend time with T again after all these years, but when he left to catch his plane I felt every loss I have ever felt in my life back upon me like a giant, silent hand. Gripping me.

I'm much better today but I feel very much like I'd like to find Angie's mother again. It's always a beautiful thing to be reminded that love does not die. I'm grateful for this experience.

Old Friends

Last night I was out all night long. I'm pretty tired today (and trying not to freak out that I basically was too exhausted to work today). I met up with a man who I was very close with when I was 17. He was one of my closest friends, and we lost touch about 13 years ago.
So, we hung out for the first time...and it was amazing. I feel a bit melancholic that I didn't keep in touch, but when I expressed this he simply said 'I always knew you were the kind of person that wanted to take off and be free.'
I thought that was really kind. I love this person. I'm lucky I had such a close friend of the opposite sex when I was young. Even luckier to have that love returned.