making decisions

I've figured a few things out. I was intending on a sabbatical, to be starting in January. Then I started feeling sad because I wanted it to start earlier and I'm in school. Then I decided to take a mental sabbatical and curb my internet use, and to slow down on blogging. THEN my eye ulcers I never knew I had came to my attention and I HAVE to take a break from the internet.

I'm still online, I just decided that I can go online twice a day for a maximum of 10 minutes. This works for me because I read fast and I don't peruse a zillion sites, I peruse the same sites over and over. Ha ha. So in the morning I read, and in the afternoon I type and respond to whatever blogs I feel inspired to respond to. And I can also blog myself quite quickly. I don't even try choosing photos carefully anymore, I just go into iphoto and enter a random number for the blog post.

I find after about 4 minutes my left eye (which is worse than my right) starts tingling, like I have soap in it. I feel much more calm about this than I was a few days ago. Permanent eye damage is surprisingly common. I remember when B was told by an opthamologist that he had permanent eye damage (from 25+ years of working outside). His eyes have a degree of health that is entirely manageable and this is what I aspire to. This morning my mum called and offered to help me pay for laser eye surgery (should I be a candidate) in the future which is very kind. I think the surgery is about $1500. But that is way down the road.

Also I've been talking to more than a few people who are feeling depressed these days. I'm one of them. Not 'things are bumming me out' but depression. The resenting-getting-out-of-bed kind.

To this I just want to say: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I believe many people feel this, and unfortunately I feel it is the by-product of our shifting society.

I'm formally encouraging anyone who feels shy about feeling down to talk about their feelings, in whatever way they feel best. Talk through words, talk through love of music, talk through your body's relationship to to the physical plane (yes, I mean get laid, ha ha--wait, I meant EAT).

Whatever you do...eliminate any guilt you may feel in lack of energy/joi de vie/enthusiasm. This is your life. You are meant to live it.

transiting mars in aspect to neptune in the 12th

My 12th House Neptune usually helps me sleep. I fall asleep quickly, and deeply. Lately I've been falling asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow-except for when I lie asleep for hours. Mars in Leo is currently in my 8th House, in aspect to my 12th House Neptune at the exact degree.

Friday night I had a horrible dream about both B and M. It was violent, it was violating, and depressing. I guess it's because I have such a dreamy (har, har) sleeping life normally...but I was rattled. That morning I couldn't stop thinking about the deterioration of my previous relationship, and I was so blue. I cried a river, for sure. M was incredibly kind to me. He listened to me, he didn't judge me, and most important for my tired heart--he understood me.

And then...last night I had a horrific dream about my father, who I love and am very close to. I was violated by an old man, and when I told my Dad, he didn't believe me, and furthermore he sent me out into a dismal night. That's the long and the short of it. When I woke up this morning I felt pissed off. Why am I having horrible dreams? Maybe it's the injury to my eyes, I don't know. I know that head injuries can cause nightmares.

Then I looked up my transits...Mars in Leo is currently in my 8th House, conjunct my natal Saturn and trine my 12th House Neptune. A HA. That explains that.

About my eyes...I have ulcers on both of my eyes. They are being treated and as the eyes are both easy to permanently damage and quick to heal they have made progress in the past few days. I'm grateful because blindness was discussed with the surgeon. A couple of my friends thought perhaps the surgeon was "scaring me" which made me sad...why be so delusional? Your eyes really are that sensitive! You really can become blind! It is NOT a joke!

The good thing is that they are responding to treatment. The bad thing is that I have permanent scarring which may or may not affect my eyes health in the future. Scary stuff. Right now I'm to limit my time on the computer and I'm never to wear contact lenses again. So I'm back to wearing glasses fulltime, just like when I was a kid! At least my glasses are cool now, not like they were in 1987.

24 Degrees Scorpio

I've been unnerved about the fact that the last two men I've been involved with both have their Moon at 24 degrees Scorpio. Looking at my Dad's birthdata...guess where his Saturn is?

25 degrees Scorpio. Yeah. Isn't astrology amazing? Also I have this crazy ex-colleague named Bob (not really). Bob used to be a practicing astronomer so you can imagine what he thought of my studies. I bumped into him today and he told me that I was playing with sorcery.

taking a break

I've decided to severely cut back on blogging and my internet use in general. I'm finding with the last few weeks left in the semester I'm spending too much time online. It's a distraction tactic for sure, for me. Just to give you an idea of the workload I'm facing...in the next 6 days alone I must prepare and print one of my lithography editions, I have to complete 6 drawings, and 3 paintings. Plus I'm working full-time 3 out of those 6 days.

I have to start thinking about the 3 artist's talks I have to attend, the reviews I have to write on them, the interviews I have to arrange with my instructors, the portfolios to put together, the 100 page sketchbook I am to fill (I've done 25 pages so far). This is me for the next 4 weeks. Somehow I'm going to fit this in.

So while I'm not starting my sabbatical early, you won't be seeing much of me between now and mid-December. Astrologically I think it makes sense, too. With the current Saturn-Pluto square I'm hyper-sensitive to what's going on around me, and my brain is starting to short-circuit. I have to do this every now and then (disappear from internet world).

I have a lot of things I'd like to write about one day re: the relationship with one of my siblings, which has been fractured permanently. I've had to accept that this person will not change. The unexpected outcome of our falling out in September was that I confronted her on her physical abuse. She physically abused me. It's been the elephant in the room for years, and how I've dealt with it was avoidance tactics. She confronted me on my avoidance tactics and I addressed the abuse. I've been cut off. So that's something I've been wrapping me head around. I thought there would be relief in being cut off, but now that there are children involved (hers, obviously!) I have been dealing with that. My mum has been estranged from her siblings since she was 16 (she's almost 70) and my Dad immigrated from another country, separating himself from his family in another way. Sometimes I think of this family pattern being repeated and it just blows my mind.

I think artwork will guide me out of this. So I'm going to take a break from the written word for a few weeks and channel emotions into my assignments. Feel free to email me if you want to chat, I continually check email.

one of those mornings

...when you feel like this.

loosening bonds of a certain nature

I'm lightening up. Mostly because the semester of school is almost over and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When B and I split up, I came up with a plan to keep myself emotionally on track. (See? I can plan, after all. I forget sometimes!)

I made the decision to begin studying at this Arts University and take it one semester at a time. I was going to work as much as I could, save as much as I could, and if it all worked out, I was going to leave this place when the rain (and the Olympics) come. The rain is here, and it's cold. My school is shut for two weeks during the Olympics, so next semester is as good as any to high tail it to the warmer regions. I'm not sure if I'm going to be blogging then, because I will be making an effort to finish my manuscript. Even if it is never picked up by a publisher, I want to be able to say that I've done it.

I've been getting more sleep lately, which has vastly improved my mood. As has having heat in the apartment. I'm even getting so bored of cigarettes I barely smoke anymore. I think I had one last week. I feel very lucky in this regard because I've watched so many people struggle to quit. You'd think with a 12th House Neptune I'd be an addict...maybe it's the aspect to my Saturn? I don't want to be bonded to anything of a physical nature. Emotions...now there is a different kind of bondage all together.

odd communication, odd times

Today I'm just puttering around the house, thinking about this New Moon in Scorpio. I have a very lovely friend who I've been close to for years. I've been having difficulty communicating. Yesterday we met for a drink, and when I saw her I asked if we could go to another bar as there was a hockey game on. She said she had asked someone else to join us, and 'Since he doesn't have a cellphone, like all people without cellphones, he is ruining our plans.'

?

Exactly. Huh? The weird thing about this is (1) she is NOT bitchy by nature. She is lovely and kind. (2) She has told me already 80,000 times that she wants me to get a cellphone, and I've already explained 80,001 times I don't want another $40 (minimum) monthly bill in my life. (3) She is an Aquarius who loudly objects anytime someone speaks in totalitarian terms [we all do this; people do that; everyone's like this].

I said 'All people?' And she smiled. So we sat down and waited for her friend, and then she said a bunch of other things that we out of character. "No bike light? So you're just going to die instead?" and "I hope you stay in hotels with smoke alarms if you go to Mexico, because you might die in a fire."

?

HUH? Seriously it's very weird and out of character. I'm guessing it's the pile up of planets in Aquarius hitting her Sun, or maybe her Moon. Unfortunately I don't remember her birth time, other than I looked once years ago and learned she was Sagittarius ASC like me. I really love my friend and I'm hoping this weirdness in communication will pass...

Then I starting thinking, maybe the weirdness is me. Mars in Leo is activating my natal Uranus-Mercury-Saturn T-square. Maybe I'm the one out of the loop??